People shopping...no discounts please!

Whenever I go shopping (which unfortunately for my bank account, is quite often!) I find myself meticulously sorting through clothes, passing by the styles that don't catch my eye, and always looking for a bargain. Even when I find a piece of clothing I like, I will pull out every single one in my size and compare them to one another...thanks, Mom! I look for problems in the stitching, compare patterns (yes even the "same" shirt can look different), check for holes in the fabric, inspect the way it hangs, etc. Very rarely do I ever purchase something without trying it on, and I often find myself spending way too much time in the dressing room. I'll even put on the same shirt a few times just to make sure that I still like it 5 minutes later.

What I have realized in analyzing my very thought-out shopping process, is that I am much pickier when it comes to choosing what becomes a part of my wardrobe than I am when it comes to choosing the people I allow in my life. Why am I so quick and eager to open up to others, yet extremely hesitant to purchase something I have the option of returning? Why do I have a tendency of handing out invitations into my life as if they were pieces of candy? I don't pre-examine people for flaws or past mistakes, and it never seems to matter what others have to say about a person, I always give them the benefit of the doubt. I have found that in 23 years, I have never changed my approach to befriending  someone or even dating for that matter, and maybe that's why I end up getting my feelings hurt so often.

Betrayal, disappointment, let downs...these are all concepts that I am no stranger to, and I know I'm not the only one in this world who has dealt with unfortunate circumstances. For me, life has always been about embracing others, showing compassion, and most importantly, being honest and sincere with yourself and those you come in contact with. I am not perfect by any means, but I do know that I have never given half of myself, my effort, or my interest in any meaningful relationship that I have been a part of. But the sad truth about striving to have those great qualities precede you is that not everyone gives that same respect in return. Even when I was a little girl, I would acknowledge and talk to everyone, never thinking for a second that a stranger might not have the best intentions for me and not once questioning what came out of anyone's mouth. I have never been able wrap my mind around why someone would ever waste their time lying to me when it's so much easier to be honest. To this day, I have not outgrown that way of thinking, and that may just be the problem. It's been said that one should strive to surround themselves with "like minded people," and I have never agreed more with this idea than I do at this moment in time. While I love doing my absolute best to care for others and go out of my way for loved ones, I'm starting to realize that I should probably be a bit more selective when it comes to sharing my time and my heart. Maybe it's not so much about to what degree I go out of my way, but more about who I go out of my way for.

Those who are close to me know very well that, so far, 2011 has been a year of devastation for me, a year of nothing but a series of terrible events, all of which have been completely out of my control. On the other hand, it's also been a year of learning how to grow through the mess and the struggles that have been put before me. Over these last few months, I think I have been pretty successful in figuring that out. However, the one thing that still bothers me most is my inability to understand why I continue give so much of myself to people who, in the end, have really no regard for how their actions affect me. I wish I could grasp this concept and be okay with saying "it is what it is," but I think I'm really struggling because I so strongly disagree with imbalance in relationships. I am a firm believer in "keeping it real," but maybe I need to add "keeping it MUTUAL" to my list of expectations. For me, there is no greater pain than loving someone more than you are loved in return, no bigger disappointment than holding on to someone as you watch them get over you. It makes you wonder why you continue to go above and beyond for people who will gladly accept the extra attention, but never take the time to return it. In going over my relationships, both past and present, I have found that I always seem to end up in the same spot: sad, underwhelmed, and ultimately questioning my worth. However, I haven't lost all sight of my dignity, and the bottom line is that I know that I'm deserving. I could go on and on about this subject because I do feel so strongly about it, but I guess what I'm really trying to say is that one should never let their own well-being become secondary. Going out of your way for another person should never result in you feeling pain or hurt because you know deep down that they would never do the same for you. It takes too much time, effort, and commitment emotionally to make a relationship successful, so why waste your energy by settling for less than you would ever give? I may be a bargain shopper, but when it comes to the people in my world, I want name brand.

Happy Wednesday, friends!